yahoo's first date tips for men, as reviewed by a human being

I don't have much to add to these so-sexist-they're-almost-satirical suggestions. Please enjoy reading them if you missed them on Yahoo's front page while checking your email for the eighteenth time in one hour in case someone sent you a Valentine and you didn't see it because you were watching your dog eat your laundry receipt.

1. If you're choosing the restaurant, run it past three platonic girlfriends. You might love the local trattoria for its friendly waiters and free Limoncello, but it's the ladies who remember bad lighting, dingy bathrooms and day-old fruit garnishes.

See, sexist! I love free alcohol. You should take me anywhere there's free alcohol. What are bathrooms?

2. Pick a date up for dinner, even if she lives next door; and if you're having drinks after work, swing by the office. Meeting at the restaurant simply reads as half-hearted. Women appreciate men who put their needs first, if just for the night.

What need would the guy be putting first? My need to be guided to the restaurant because I'm female and therefore ass-over-teakettle useless? This suggestion is crazy and claustrophobic.

3. For the love of button downs, don't you dare tuck in your shirt! Unless you're dining at the country club or a jacket-required establishment, you'll risk looking like your father en route to the 18th hole (and there's nothing hot about that).

And don't wear a button down. Unless it's plaid.

4. Pay your date a very specific compliment that shows you're paying attention. Nice eyes? She's heard it. Cute dimples? Much better.

Yeah. Dimples are really overlooked. Good call. Don't be afraid to call attention to things that a really specific to her, though, like "You have a sweet smile" or "Mm, I love your shampoo."

5. When looking over the menu, ask if she's a sharer. If she loves variety, suggest small dishes to split-or swap plates halfway through the meal if you feel at ease.

This suggestion is a diamond amidst a sea of gravel.

6. Save the "Notice me!" soliloquy for Mom and Dad-that is, until your date asks about you. Because she will, if you let her steer the chit-chat. One man's self-involved boast is another's self-aware banter. It just depends who's inquiring.

It takes a lifetime of being shoved in lockers, metaphorical or otherwise, to dim most dudes' enthusiasm for talking about how much more well-read, more musical, and more athletic they are than everyone else--especially their dates--so how about being less vague? Tell them to lie and be self-deprecating.

7. Slide one sensitive topic about yourself into conversation and ask your date's opinion about it. This moment will be more memorable than the pricey dim sum or your canned jokes, since it's laced with trust, sincerity and vulnerability.

This "sensitive topic" will inevitably be the admission, "I was the fat kid in middle school." Um, gross.

8. Keep PDA on the DL. A hand on the leg is too forward for a first date, but snuggling close in the corner banquet, with a kiss on the forehead, is just right.

A kiss on the forehead is a little paternal, isn't it.

9. Suggest a decadent dessert, even if she hesitates or says she's full. Every woman wants to secretly sample the chocolate mousse torte, though society prefers she order sherbet. Lift the burden, and try not to stare when she eats more than half.

If she says she's full, maybe she's full. How about you wait to second-guess her decisions until you've been in the relationship for at least three or so days?

10. Pay the bill, already. She'll do the faux wallet-reach, but that doesn't mean she actually wants to reach inside. If this one's a keeper, she'll pick-up the nightcap.

Ha ha! Women are golddiggers. You know what? If this one's a keeper, she'll let you pay and then feel obligated to reward you by letting you fuck her in the restaurant bathroom! Ha ha ha!